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Day 3 on my journey tells me to, “Write about the highs and lows of the relationship, focusing on recognizing patterns of narcissistic behavior.” So, here we go. This is going to be a long one. You might want to grab some popcorn.

This relationship is one that absolutely took me by surprise. He was never supposed to happen, but my own selfish mindset pulled me in his direction. I had known him since he was a teenager, but had always avoided him. However, I was mad at my ex-husband and wound up in his bed.

Then I kept going back. I eventually fell in love with the version of this man I was presented and left a 10 year marriage for him. Go ahead and judge me all you want. I’ve heard it all from judgmental followers as I have shared snippets of my life over the last 3 years. I will never tell you that my actions were justified or right. They were wrong. At the time, he made me feel like the most special woman in the world. He showered me with love, time, affection, and the most thoughtful gifts. I will forever cherish the memory of the matching bracelets he bought for us – they had the coordinates of where we first met (my father’s driveway). I melted.

My first red flag should have been the night he turned off his location and ghosted me. I was still living out of state. It was his idea to share locations in the first place. I didn’t think anything of it because my then-husband and I did. Not for control, but safety if something were to happen. I couldn’t get ahold of him and freaked out. I remember, in that moment, I felt like an absolute fool because I just had this gut feeling he was at someone else’s house. I should have walked away then, but, if you research the narcissistic abuse cycle, this is how they slowly hook you. The next morning, he told me he had taken cough syrup along with a muscle relaxer and passed out. To this day, I don’t believe that story.

Right away, he got to work designing me the most beautiful wedding ring set that I have ever encountered, but never received. He spent months going back and forth with the design team. He had my hopes sky high for this amazing piece, only to tell me later on that I don’t deserve it.

The following few months he love bombed me like nobody else has. He drove down to me to bring Valentine’s Day flowers to my daughter and I. A dozen roses each along with teddy bears. During that same visit, a notification from the dating app Bumble appeared on his phone. He claimed he had it to talk to his sisters lesbian friend, but I find that highly unlikely. Still, I brushed it off.

In March of that year, I moved myself and my daughter 8 hours away to be closer to him. He immediately went to work repairing the small issues with my rental house. He assembled my furniture without being asked. It was so kind! He slowly, but surely, moved himself in.

During this time, I was trying to navigate how to co-parent with my daughter’s father. I was still legally married. I would stay the weekend in the area where he was staying so my daughter could visit with him. It was a very challenging time for me because I was still in love with my ex-husband, but I was also so head over heels for my now husband. It was an emotional roller coaster. After dropping my daughter off for one visit, I went to drive back to New York from Ohio. I pulled over on the side of the road and had a complete breakdown because I didn’t know what direction I was supposed to go. That night, I couldn’t get ahold of him to lean on him so I could work through my feelings. I ended up staying the night in Ohio on the fold-out couch in the hotel room. If I remember correctly, it was during this trip he reached out to an old hook-up of his, asking her to text him. Thankfully, she showed zero interest in him, but just knowing that he reached out to her while I was out of town should have been enough to send me packing.

He continued to love me, but we started to fight more. He was upset that I was still around my ex, which I understood, but I didn’t know how to co-parent from afar and gas in a SUV is not cheap. I fully realize that what I did was not “above reproach,” but I wanted what was best for my daughter. She just had her whole life ripped from her and I was trying to keep some sort of normalcy.

During one argument after I took my daughter to see her dad and came back home, I went to bed. My front door was locked so him and his daughter climbed through an open window at nearly midnight. I remember feeling so violated and alarmed at this action, but I pushed it aside.

I will admit that I created a catfish Instagram to see if he would be unfaithful to me because I was losing my trust with him. Should I have done this? Probably not, but I can’t take back the past. He quickly opened up to this fake profile about how mean I am. He spent days bashing me to this stranger on the internet. I was appalled. He told her I called his daughter fat, which I never did. I had conversations in private with him regarding things I noticed as an outsider, offering to help him in any way I could with her health and education, but he didn’t want to hear it.

Our arguments became more frequent and deeper. Thus begins the true cycle.

I didn’t recognize it at the time. I didn’t know what it was. I had no idea what narcissism is! We would push and pull each other. Love and seemingly hate depending on the day. I became someone I did not recognize.

He quickly talked about having a child together. At first I was intrigued by the idea, because I loved him so very much. He referred to a baby as “our bunny” going so far as to purchase our future child a gorgeous blanket printed with bunnies before they were even conceived. I agreed, but later changed my mind because I realized that I just wasn’t ready. Our fighting was not something I wanted to bring a child into.

During one trip to take my daughter to her father at the end of September, he sent me a photo of 3 empty birth control blister packs, telling me he flushed them all. I took Plan B, but I found out I was pregnant just before Halloween.

You would think a pregnancy would be enough to get someone to reflect on their life, right? Make changes necessary for the child. He became worse. I became worse. I reacted to him in ways I have never reacted to anybody. My daughter saw the way he was treating me and reacted to him as well. He didn’t like this, and I don’t blame him. She acted out of character. No matter how much her father and I attempted to correct it, she just felt this protectiveness over her mama.

He refused to help out financially after he officially moved in with me in December. I say officially because he gave up his apartment. I only expected half of the cost to live there. That’s only fair.

We had so many arguments during my pregnancy that I can’t recount specific ones. They all seem to fade into each other, leaving me with the memory that I was afraid I would miscarry because I was crying so uncontrollably in our bathroom at one point. How I didn’t lose Luigi from the stress in my life is beyond me. He refused to help out financially with my medical bills, leaving me grateful that I was still on my ex-husband’s insurance to lessen the burden.

The cycle continued: love me, fight me, love me, fight me. I couldn’t do anything right in his eyes.

I was induced with Luigi. A week early because I was so uncomfortable. On the way to the hospital he called me a “stupid retard” because I assumed he knew where the hospital was. We had only been living 20 mins away from that town for 20+ years. During induction he demanded a paternity test a handful of times, told me I had mental problems & needed medication, sent me TikToks of half naked women preaching about how a woman needs to take care of her man, then didn’t hold my hand until it was time to push. There was one point that I wanted to beg the nurse to remove him from the room, but I instantly felt guilty because he slept through the birth of his daughter. I didn’t want him to miss his son.

Once Luigi was born, he was so happy. He signed the affidavit of paternity right away. Took care of him in the hospital. Really stepped up to the plate. He was amazing to me, taking care of the both of us for the first few weeks. It felt like a real, happy family.

I forget now what we were arguing about, but he took off with Luigi when he was a few weeks old. Luigi was breast fed (via pump) so that really concerned me because I didn’t know what he would eat! It’s like he had an extreme manic episode. I can still picture him standing in the doorway, holding our newborn son, yelling at me while I felt completely helpless. I knew if I tried to take Luigi, one of us would get hurt. I didn’t want that. I wanted to protect that little life.

At one point I approached him and asked him for his half of the rent. I was struggling because I could barely work due to having a newborn, so money was tight. He flipped out on me. Pinned me to the bed right next to Luigi and tried to take the bracelets off my wrist that he had purchased for me. I had no idea what was going on, but I was terrified.

A few hours later, he was back to loving me.

I recently found that when Luigi was 4 months old, he created a SnapChat and reached out to his ex-girlfriend begging her to come over to hook up. Allegedly she didn’t, but it’s extremely heartbreaking to be told about that.

A month after that, he began talking to the cashier at our local 7-Eleven. Added her on Facebook, gave her his number. I found out about her when I was driving home with the Chinese food he asked to have for dinner. I lost it. I threw the food across the living room and went and cried hysterically in our bedroom, followed by our shower. He refused to show me the conversation, claiming he deleted it. He then claimed he had to speak with her because he had to clear his name after my daughter allegedly made allegations about him to the neighbors. He didn’t comprehend that he should have said, “thank you. I will address it with my fiance.” Not to mention, there should have never been any exchange of contact information between the two.

The following month, I found a text from her on his phone. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to call you. My niece did.” I had assumed that previous conversations were done via Facebook messenger. I saw red. Between the post-partum hormones running through me, drinking with his sister that night, and the fact that we were in the middle of planning to elope on our December 1st anniversary, I went ballistic. I used his property to destroy my property. I think that was the moment he officially “broke” me. He showed zero remorse over his actions. He did nothing to console me as I was laying in bed bawling my eyes out. I didn’t know what to do. I called my ex-husband and begged him to come rescue me. That I couldn’t do life with this man anymore. I explained what I did that night. For the first time in my life, he didn’t come to my rescue. I know that didn’t sit right with the man I was with and I completely understand that. I shouldn’t have called him.

He told me he didn’t treat me right because until I married him, I was only temporary in his life. I felt the need to marry him right away.

Two months later we were married. We actually got married twice in one day. Once in a helicopter above Niagara Falls, then again in the United States to make it legal. I was so happy. Everything seemed amazing once again. He seemed elated to have me as his wife, as he told me he’d been dreaming about since he was 15. He has hardly worn his wedding ring, citing that I make him too upset to wear it. 

Our whole relationship he had has problems with his finances. He is terrible at budgeting and the jobs he takes on are pretty sporadic. He moved us to Niagara Falls because he was remodeling his uncles house and also because he had just been given a contract to remodel a dozen houses in the neighborhood. Because he hadn’t started on the houses and was focusing a lot on his uncles, I was expected to pick up the slack with the bills. At first I didn’t mind, I was doing what any wife would do, but then the money never came, or the funds he did receive went to his own interests. It was frustrating.

The next year and a half feel like whirlwind. The cycle became shorter. The good days were fewer than before. The bad days were worse than previous. By this point I had learned what Narcissistic abuse is. I cannot sit here and tell you that he is a narcissist, because he has never been officially diagnosed. I offered to go get tested with him to see if either of us is one. He informed me he’s not doing that. He refuses to seek any sort of treatment or guidance as to these extreme mood swings he constantly has.

At one point, we tried couple’s counseling. It was hard to open up completely with the therapist because he made me feel so intimidated. I paid for him to see her privately, as well as for us to go together… while paying for myself to see her as well. It was expensive, but worth it, I thought. After a call where she wanted to talk about his childhood, he informed me it was “bullshit” and he’s never going back. So, that was the end of that. I continued seeing her on my own until we had a huge blow out after taking our daughters on a cruise to the Bahamas.

The night we got back from our trip, we were all exhausted. I am sure that played into it, although not solely responsible. Our daughters got into a fight, as kid’s do. I’m not 100% sure what happened as I was in the other room, but suddenly he came in screaming at me, while holding our son, to “get rid of the problem,” referencing my 10 year old daughter. I reacted after he put Luigi in his crib. I screamed at him. I didn’t know what else to do because I mama bear’d. He slammed me onto the couch, screaming in my face. The police were called. I was allowed to leave with my children. I filed for custody and an order of protection the following day. I was granted both.

He love bombed me again. Begged me to come home. So, I did. He never once apologized.

Again, life was good for a few weeks. I dropped the custody petition and was home every night.

Things have never been the same. He was never home. He would never help with the housework or Luigi when I asked. He was on his own schedule, in his own world. There were moments he would make me feel like the most amazing woman in the world. I loved those moments. I lived for those moments. I convinced myself that if I could just get through his bad days, I would have those good ones again.

The night before Valentine’s Day, he came home with semen stains in his underwear. BIG stains. He refuses to tell me where they came from. One excuse was that he randomly ejaculated at work because his boxers were rubbing on him. Later on his excuse was that he pleasured himself because he was disgusted by me. I don’t believe any of those. I never will.

Back in April of this year, I found out he was talking to his ex-girlfriend. He would randomly interject, “wanna fuck?” into their conversations. He thinks that’s a laughing matter because “it’s an inside joke.” He had an hour long conversation with her the morning of our one year wedding anniversary. Talk about a punch in the gut. I also discovered during my conversation with her  that they originally met in a Craigslist chatroom for people who carry the HSV2 virus. I approached him about this, asking why he never felt the need to tell me during the course of our relationship. He stated, “(daughters mother) gave it to him and it never came back so it didn’t matter.” I explained that you can still be a carrier and not show symptoms. He said he was never sexually intimate with his ex while she had a breakout. Again, I explained you can still shed the virus without sores.

He blames me for every single one of our problems. He refuses to accept accountability for anything that he has done. Have I contributed to our demise? I most definitely have. I have not been perfect. I have reacted. I have not been my best self, but at the end of the day I have always begged him to change WITH me. I cannot fix this marriage alone. He told me he’s not fixing anything until I check myself into a mental institution to “get the help you need.” He informed me he’s not taking me on a date until I take him on one. I did just that and I still haven’t been taken out. He tells me I don’t deserve it.

Recently, I started to set boundaries with him. I told him I do not want his mother to be a part of our life and that she certainly does not belong on our marriage. I have blocked her on every single social media platform I have, yet she still sends him posts I create, taking them completely out of context. She threatened to call DCFS on me when I informed her back in March that she was no longer welcome in my life. While I understand that I post publicly, I have never once lied about his actions. This woman will take a simple post about our son and flip the narrative so he’s against me. He chooses her every time and won’t set a boundary that she’s not welcome in our marriage.

Another boundary I set was that he no longer had access to my time, financial means, or vehicles as long as he couldn’t treat me like a human being. I was informed that I was using them as bargaining chips and that he would not be doing that. This was after he asked for tens of thousands of dollars to complete a property he purchased that we were supposed to flip together. He cut me out of that deal as soon as it was taking me a few too many days to access my money since I have an out of state bank.

Fourth of July, he refused to spend time with his son and myself. I had been asking him for days what we were doing. He told me he didn’t know. A 15-minute phone call with his mother and he had all the plans set in stone. He didn’t bother to acknowledge my boundary when it came to the woman, or even ask me if that is what I wanted to do. He was going to her house and eating dinner with her before heading to the fireworks with her. I was welcome to “grow up” and tag along. Let’s not forget that 2 days prior, he had convinced her to file a false DCFS report against me. So, Luigi and I spend the Fourth alone. We caught the tail end of some fireworks after he insisted I come pick him up from his Mother’s. The next 2 days he was barely home – he spent the night at his Mother’s then took off with a “friend” nearly 10 years his junior. I sat home crying, begging him to talk to me, to work with me, to fix us, to let me in, to come home to his family.

I asked him to give me 30 days. I only wanted 30 days of us not talking to anybody outside of our marriage, especially if they negatively impact it. That we would spend 30 days focusing 100% on our marriage. His first response was that he would consider it, followed by telling me he’s not going to stop talking to his Mother. A few hours later he got upset with me for not following through with my offer when he never agreed to it! I was ready and willing to cut everyone out of my life in order to save us.

On July 10th, he filed for custody of our son citing that I am unstable mentally and am removing property from our marital home. Both untrue. That night, he came home acting as sweet as could be towards me, eventually asking me for $3,000 so he could buy a different truck since I had to turn the plates in on the one he’s been driving due to a registration suspension. I told him I could not do that. For once, he didn’t flip out on me over it. I was shocked!

The following week, he cuddled up into me in bed. Kissed my forehead. Told me that he feels as though we need a separation for a little while. He said we won’t see other people, but he needs to “find himself.” He said he would take me on dates, I could still occasionally spend the night, and we would talk. Begrudgingly, I agreed to it. I moved into the apartment I had secured as a backup plan. The next week was pretty good. He sent me good morning texts, told me I was beautiful, and paid attention to every text message I sent. I felt as though he was finally listening to what I had told him we have needed for so long. A few nights he ghosted me. “Fell asleep” at 8pm and I didn’t hear from him again until the next morning. Those nights don’t sit right with me. Monday, he has shown me the worst side of his Mr. Hyde personality ever. Extreme gaslighting, cruel words, doing everything he can to tear me down. I am not understanding the change. I didn’t do anything wrong. I respected his wishes to separate, I didn’t berate him with excessive text messages. I have just been here living life with my two children. I blocked his number on Monday and that evening, he called me FIFTY EIGHT times (you can still call restricted if your number is blocked). He was so malicious towards me. I explained I did not want to talk to him while he was around his friend and that I was eating dinner with the kids. He wouldn’t stop calling me incessantly.  I still cannot understand it.

The next morning, he called 13 times. I finally answered and he just demanded we file an uncontested divorce and not use attorneys. I explained I’m not comfortable with that. He also wanted to get a notarized statement regarding Luigi, which I am also not comfortable with. If this thing is going to happen, it’s going to go through the proper channels and I’m going to be protected in any way that I can. I let him know I was meeting with my attorney the following day to discuss the custody petition, divorce, and asinine DCFS allegations. He still insisted on not using lawyers. That night, I gave him one last olive branch. One I know he doesn’t deserve. He again proved I wasn’t a priority.

 

I don’t know who this man is anymore and I’m trying really hard in therapy to understand why I have become the person I am with him, why he is the way he is, and how to heal from the last 3 1/2 years. I was really hoping that he would wake up and choose us. Fight for me. But he won’t. He’s not capable of choosing anybody other than himself. As I sit here typing this, I am still hoping he will show up at my front door, flowers in hand, and wrap his arms around me telling me he is ready to fight. I know it’s farfetched and will never happen, but I’d give anything for that.

Through all of this, I am learning that this is not the life I want to live. I don’t want my emotions to be toyed with. I don’t want to be good enough one day and called trash the next. I want to be a priority and make my partner a priority. I want my husband, but I don’t want the monster he is in this moment. This entire marriage I have remained faithful to him and stuck by his side no matter what he put me through.

I think my biggest issues in our relationship have been the fact that I expect a lot out of him. I expect to have a man standing beside me. Someone who is loyal to a fault, keeps their word, helps provide, and does everything necessary for his children. I have always encouraged him to do better for his daughter, oftentimes overstepping in an effort to help him and her. I have overshared on social media as a way to attempt to understand what’s going on because oftentimes an outside perspective helps snap you back into reality. I have yelled. I have cried. I have left the home. I have called names. I have absolutely become angered. I completely admit my faults, have apologized, and want to work through them.

I recognize the pattern. I acknowledge the pattern. I continue to fall prey to the pattern. I need to destroy the pattern.