Reflecting on day 1 of my 40 day journey, I absolutely could have done better with the no-contact. The morning started out phenomenal and then just before 1pm, he started calling my phone incessantly. I counted THIRTEEN times in the span of only one hour. He had fifty-eight calls to me the day before. Later in the evening, I let him get the best of me. I broke down emotionally, crying my heart out to him begging him to choose his marriage. The coldness in his voice would give Antarctica a run for its money. I will never understand how someone could treat someone so horribly.
Day 2 tells me I need to identify my triggers. To list out situations, words, or behaviors that trigger negative emotions related to the trauma bond, so, here we go.
You make me feel:
- Hurt
- Broken
- Ashamed
- Unloved
- Disgusting
- Fearful
- Alone
- Ugly
- Worthless
- Numb
- Defeated
- Used
- Stupid
- Unheard
- Ignored
- A shell
- Unwanted
- Small
It confuses me to no end when you Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde on me. For a few days you will be so incredibly kind and loving, so attentive, then the next you wake up a completely different person. Your eyes are black and filled with such hatred and evil. The back and forth has me questioning my reality at times.
The people you choose to have in your life trigger me. You know this, which is why you act differently when you’re around them. You’re not you. You’re this fake version of yourself that appears desperate for their approval. I will never understand the draw to individuals who have no aspirations in life, but that’s your choice, not mine.
Being away from you affects me both negatively and positively. Negatively because I crave your touch, your kiss, your arms around me. They have been my home for years. Positively because I no longer have the expectation and letdown that my partner will come home and help me with housework or with our son. You have been preparing me to be a single mom from the start.
Hearing your name or having your photograph pop up on my phone makes me want to sit still and cry. I am 100% grieving the loss of a life I thought was, what it could have been, and what it is today. We had big plans to travel the world and build a large farmstead, but you chose to divert your attention to your own selfish wants and needs. You cut me out of them, even though you know I would have followed you to the end of the Earth. I was looking forward to a beautiful life with you, instead I will have to create a beautiful life on my own.
Your constant criticism of me has caused me to lose all self-esteem. Nothing I do is right in your eyes, making me feel worthless. Yet you can never reflect upon yourself and see the monster when he appears. There’s no reason on Earth why someone would need to call their wife a “psychopath,” “cunt,” “butt slut,” “piece of shit,” “scumbag,” or anything along those lines. Just because you grew up hearing that sort of behavior is acceptable, does not mean that it really is.
The fear you have instilled in me coupled with your abandonment of your family has only made me more attached to you. I simply do not understand it. The more you hurt me, the more I need you. I want to break free.
When you gaslight me, you distort reality.
When you dismiss my boundaries, you make me feel worthless. You make me feel like you have only been using me for my financial resources and the ways I can make your life a convenience.
You have broken me into a million pieces, but my trauma bond makes me feel like you’re the only person who can fix me.
Priscilla Maxwell
You have some insights that take a lot of women a very long time to come to. You should be very proud of that.
And although it may not feel like it, you are really making progress. Identifying the problem is the first step toward freedom.
Manipulators have the ability to quickly assess a person and determine they places they need to set their hooks. They feed off those they have set their hooks in being needy and they thrive on the game of being able to draw those people in, and control them. They do not act out of love. They act so they can gain power and control. They will barrage you with texts and phone calls, not because they miss you or want you, but because they can control you like a puppet. They will do anything to tug on those hooks and control your reaction. That’s what feeds them. If you don’t respond, they will ramp up their game and try to wear you down until you do.
Remember this when the barrage starts. Say out loud: “This isn’t because of love, but because of control, and that’s not love. He is not capable of love. His actions are not loving. His choices do not show me love. He is only seeking what he wants, and is not looking to do good for me. I am worth so much more than this.” Then turn off the phone and leave it off. You are worth more than this.
Be gentle with yourself. You loved purely and completely and selflessly, but he isn’t capable of that kind of selfless love. And that is to be pitied, not prized. He is not a prize. He did not keep you safe. He only used, and did not fill up. He is not seeking your good. He does not want the best for you. He is not good enough for you.
I am here with you, in this journey. Praying for you, supporting you, rejoicing with you in the small progresses. You are doing it, and I am so proud of you for that! And you should be proud of yourself too.