If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to be in love with someone who more than likely has narcissistic personality disorder, I hope you never act upon it. To be loved by one is to participate in a game of guided suicide. They will destroy every ounce of you, then expect you to find more for them to obliterate. Their demands will increase as will their expectations of you. Never will you receive one ounce of gratitude in return.
Being in love with them feels as though your body is always on fire — but not the kind that fuels passion. It’s the kind that burns you alive as you suffocate from confusion.
You will spend an eternity waiting for your love to be reciprocated. You will go unnoticed unless it serves their purpose. You will give them every last piece of yourself, sacrificing everything along the way, only to be met with the most cruel words a human being has ever spoken. Your successes and achievements will no longer matter because you will no longer be “as good” as they think they are. Intimacy is used as a bargaining tool and a torture device. Nothing will ever be reciprocated while their list of demands grows exponentially.
Promises are always just words, and you are gaslit as quickly as they are spoken. They will go so far as to claim they paid you back for the money they owed you, insisting they have it on recording, yet can never produce said recording. You will question every bit of your reality.
You will forever be reminded that YOU are the problem. You, alone, have single-handedly caused every issue in their life. Life was perfect before you arrived! However, they won’t tell you specifically what you did wrong, just generalized statements that it’s “just you”. According to them, before you came into their life they never raised their voice, never spoke ill of their partner, never had a temper. It doesn’t matter how much evidence to the contrary you bring to the table, they will still deny these facts, calling you crazy.
Because, in fact, you are crazy.
They have created the crazy in you.
Every name, every lie, every gaslit conversation, every single interaction with them has turned you into a person you no longer recognize.
You will second-guess every action. Every word. You will cast your interests aside in an attempt to please them, because they belittle everything you do. Your hobbies, your interests, your career, the books you read. They are pathological liars and cheaters. They are insatiable and incapable of feeling even the tiniest bit of empathy.
You will become consumed by them. Addicted. You will crave their attention and affection. The good days bring the dopamine your body desires while the bad days drain it all away. You will do anything in your power to have those good days because you need that affection to survive. It’s been said that a trauma bond is as hard to break as a heroin addiction .
You will beg for the bare minimum. They will always fall short, so you will lower the bar. After time, you will bury that bar into the dirt and they will still be incapable of reaching it. However, they will take that same bar and set it so high for you that you will never be able to reach it.
They will justify every action they do. They will live in the past to justify hurting you. Did you blink at them wrong last year? Did you act a little “too” nice to the waiter? They will cling onto that to cheat on you every chance they get. They will claim you treat them wrong while you cater to their every whim. Please remember that you will never be allowed to use their logic on them.
Double standards are essential for their survival. You will be expected to give and do, while they can’t even take accountability for their own actions.
Any attempt to educate yourself regarding their abuse will be used against you. You will be told you have mental problems. They will demand you see a doctor for medication. When you do and the doctor refuses to diagnose or medicate you, you will be told you lied to the doctor. That they need to go and tell them everything that’s wrong with you, yet when you offer to allow them to tag along, they will have every excuse as to why they are unable. Meanwhile, they will refuse any form of treatment for themselves.
How do I know this? Because this has been my life since early 2020. I chose to ignore every red flag, walking blindly into the circus that is now my life and my husband made the most amazing Ring Master.
I have been to countless therapists an psychologists seeking answers to the problems I am told I have. Every one of them has suggested we either terminate the relationship or attend marriage counseling. I begged for months for him to attend a marriage intensive retreat with me, while he refused. I am in a deep trauma bond that I am working so very hard to break.
Things became really bad when I started to set boundaries for myself. I did not want to be around his mother, especially after he admitted she is a toxic person and our children do not need to be around her. I told him that my time, finances, and vehicles are no longer available for his use. When I stopped loaning him money, he threw a fit, claiming I wasn’t working as a team to build the empire I kept preaching to him that I wanted to build. There was one time he locked himself in our bedroom, throwing a fit like a child. I couldn’t believe it.
There is so much to my story that I will eventually share with y’all. I can wholeheartedly admit that I was not perfect during our relationship. I talked back. I yelled. I called names. Reactive abuse is real and it brought out a part of me that I did not recognize at all. I cannot tell you how many times I spent locked in the bathroom, bedroom, or my vehicle crying so hard I thought I was going to miscarry or pass out. How many times I laid next to him at night bawling my eyes out, while he fell asleep peacefully.
I could have absolutely been a better wife to him, had I continued to cater to every whim of his. Every harebrained idea. If I would have continued to finance his life while he was unfaithful to me.
This is day 1 of my 40 day healing journey. This also means Day 1 of no contact with my abuser. I am attempting to make myself the priority and reclaim the Heather that was full of life at the end of 2020.
Bear with me, this is going to be a doozy.